A New Anger?

So I am finding that today brought ALL new (and the days not even over yet) problems. Run down...we start the day with an arguement that ends in something being said that hurt me extremely! Then we move to me talking to my dad about summer plans...then we continue on to my Love not showing up for our skype date.

Here are my thoughts.....

First, I feel like he doesn't care! He thinks that saying "I'm sorry" will fix anything. If its empty words then it honestly doesn't!

His excuse for being late was.."I was hungry." My thoughts were.."Fantastic thanks for showing you love me so much by NOT working on telling me ahead of time and by LEAVING ME ALONE IN A TIME I NEED YOU!"

The thing is, he has this notion that he is always right. And if he just appologizes it will go away...nope it doesn't. Not with girls like me...sucks right.

Most importantly, he asks me to change and I do it. It's not a thing were I take my sweet time. I do it so he knows and KNOWS BY SEEING (my proof) that I care and am willing to work on this relationship. He tells me I have to work on this to make our relationship work and then he isn't willing to do it his self. NOT FAIR!

I take his values into account, I work on things the MOMENT he tells me too! I do these things. And he does nothing...he works on it a little bit but in all honestly (someone has to be honest with him might as well be me) he says he will and when the opportunity arises for him to show me...he fails. Big giant F every time. I'm not even kidding. We argue about the same things...EVERY ARGUEMENT and he says the same thing "I will work on it." Then he does the same thing.

What he did to me today after what he said to me this morning...it was bad. What he said stepped on the line, what he did today, that crossed it. My upsetness went from that to full out rage. He has no idea what it means to see me angry but I have a feeling I'm not gonna want to be nice for a while. I don't know what to do. I was ready to forgive him when he was suppose to call and he didn't. I needed him and he didn't.

Worst of all, he still doesn't think he was wrong. He deserves to eat, but why agree to talk to me then if he wanted to eat. It makes me mad that he just keeps hurting me and then appologizing but not working on things. And I mean it when I say, this is the LAST chance. I'm tired of him treating me like that. I'm done. He makes the play now. I have my decision is made. He either shows he is going to work on this and does something special to prove it or he doesn't and I do the one thing that will leave me in a month of depression which is to break up with him. I won't keep putting myself through this pain and I won't keep being played with. I did this with all the other boyfriends before. If they treated me wrong or had no life plan..they were gone. I have tolerated my Love treating me like this for too long because I love him (unlike the others) and I don't want to lose him. But I will leave if I keep being treated like this. I can't and WON'T do it anymore. I change for him...and quickly cause he says he can't deal with it..then he needs to do the same. Give me the same respect.

Here is what I am thinking is happening. I'm focused on making our relationship work and not fully focused on God..and now God is taking away that problem. Anything standing in the way of God and I getting closer will be taken. And I am working harder than my Love at this and that is my problem. I am working while he is just letting me work on it and I'm not focused on God at all. My Love tried to help me focus on God but then said I had to work on more things and now I'm back to not focusing on God. So much for being the spiritual leader.

I know he is going to be a GREAT husband, AMAZING daddy, FANTASTIC youth pastor, and will be a wonderful man someday. I have faith he can do all of these. I know he is capable, he just needs to get over his commitment issues. He will be great and I want so badly to be the wife by his side...but I won't be if this keeps up.

This is the final straw. I have not felt this anger for anyone in a long time. So he has to do something this week. Something big and meaningful plus show signs of working on our relationship. If not, well depression here I come. But my prayer is that I get to be with this man for all my life as his girlfriend, fiancé, wife, and mother of his children. Right now...that is looking like it won't ever happen. But I'm praying it will!

The Wrong Impression

First I have to get this out of the way...STUPID BOY LEARN YOUR PLACE!!!! Ur just his friend...and I'm glad ur good enough to protect him!!! DANG IT! Why is it ok that u make me feel bad?

I was really hurt by my Love. And it was hard for me to try to forgive him in a day. So I figured that when we talked today then I would before we said goodbye before talking tonight I would surprise him by saying I forgive you. But instead of thinking of me, he was HUNGRY! I'm so upset...because I keep getting forgotten because of food! It makes me upset because we had just fought about the fact that we always talk at certain times and we went over the times we talk! Then we had an arguement and he said something that really crossed a line. He keep saying he was sorry but never said he would make it up. Till he missed our date. I feel like he could careless about me. Im getting tired of fighting for a relationship that Im the only one fighting for! This is getting to be too much! Im tired of fighting HIM for HIM! This isn't fair!

Im tired. This has gone way too far! He is giving the wrong impression if he actually wants to be in this relationship!

F F F F

I hate this day! I hate HATE HATE ALL OF THIS! WHY WHY WHY WHY!! ITS NOT OK!!! ITS NOT! I HATE THIS! I HATE IT! Why would anyone say that to anyone else! WHY?? HOW IS THAT OK!!! ITS NOT! ITS NOT! This is the worst day of my life! And there are more to come!

What To Do Now?

I have this problem...mmk...so I wanna go to ___ for the summer to work in both the deaf and Hispanic area's learning about the cultures and immersing myself in those cultures but my father is a problem. Because of some issues with my Love and decisions we made together my father is not that huge a fan of my Love. So in this case I am at a lose. I'm in college and I should be breaking away from my father...but at the same time..we just got to know each other in these last few years and I don't want to destroy that relationship.

He (being my daddy) also has this crazy idea that I spend all my time with my Love and NOT my dad...but if you think about it, last semester I spent every (ish) weekend with my Love...thats 2 days...4 weeks in a month...that 8 days a month...ive spent a total of close to 3 weeks and 3 days with my Love last semester but I spent every break at home..Fall break (4 days), thanksgiving break (1 week), and Christmas break (3 weeks). So my dad STILL wins and he is still acting like this...kinda not fair.

So here are some things I was thinking of..

1. Tell my dad I'm going anyway and he can kick me out, but ill deal

2. May and June in ___ and go home for july and august (this means I wouldnt have a job most likely)

3. Go to ____ for two weeks and then come back

4. Just stay home (not much of an option in my eyes)

I am leaning towards the first...but I just don't know how to handle it and all the people I normally talk to agree with the first...except my Love. IDK what he thinks...but I guess I'll find out after he reads this if he even says anything!

What to do now??? Decisions Decisions..

Sad Now

My amazing Love read my last blog and when asked what his thoughts were he said, "I'm glad you have a good day!" I was hoping to talk about it or something...see if we couldn't actually agree on something...but again...it's thinking about the future and thats not what he likes to do! It makes me very sad that I have little to look forward too because he doesn't wanna talk about anything. And since we have made plans just a little..meaning he told me what we are doing...he prob won't cause it would mean that he would be stuck. And he doesn't like to be stuck! So marriage would be put off! But unless there was a good reason for him putting it off...and it better not be that he didn't have the money to buy a ring because he can buy pokemon games and all that but not a ring...then I am not sure I would stay. Why keep going if he would be too scared to want to be with me. It's a trap run!

Me I want to be married right now to him. Be his wife...start a family. Be happy, but that's not what he wants so we don't do it. NO v-day celebration involving V-day things, no promise ring, no no no...if its not what he wants then why do it?

I love him and I will someday be use to this...but for now..well Im gonna go cry!! I hate not knowing the future! Guess I'll get over it though...cause I'm the only one who wants to know...so NO me..NO!

Sad now.....

Not Sure About This

So well today..yea...it was today! I had a few hard talks with two friends and a good talk with my Love. He even sent me a picture yesterday that I made as my background to my phone and I kept looking at it all day! It made my heart skip a beat every time I looked at it! I'm trying hard to be a good girlfriend and just let him be him at college but sometimes I just want to steal him away for a weekend and keep in forever! Maybe go somewhere rent a hotel and just lay there with him! Thats it...I would honestly be content just laying there! I mean I wanna just be with him! But I can't! He likes his new freedom! So I have to live with it and PRAY the world doesn't end in 2012...i want to get married to my Love and start our marriage have kids and watch them grow! That would make me so very happy! And that is what I pray for.

Some times I just want my Love and I to just run away and get married right now! Start our life together like all the other couples are and make a family before 2012 because what if it did end? Then I would have only had this time to just be with him at a distance! We could commute every day like a friend of mine does. We could live in Warsaw in an apartment and I could commute everyday. That would make me so happy! To have a "ring by spring" like college couples do and get married over the summer in Florida in HIS church and have an apartment together. But nope...so if we can't get married sooner (within the next year) then I wanna get married on the beach in Warsaw. Compromise!! hehe...

But oo well....gotta be smart right. But I say waiting to give me a ring until our anniversary and us getting married the summer after our 2yr anniversary would be awesome! and it would mean that we would be married in his church. Spend part of the summer in Florida after our marriage and then part here getting ready for college. That sounds nice to me...but we are being smart...waiting till after...smart...but so long....I hate waiting...but it has to be on his time...and around our plan....so it makes sense..I just like mine too!

I love my Love and am so very glad he is in my life and I hope he feels the same about me...if he didn't we would have issues..lol =) Ok day all in all!

You Just Called Me What?

I AM NOT MY MOM! I AM NOT MY MOM! I AM NOT MY MOM!!!

She is a great person who made mistakes in her life. Ones that added to her not being that great a mother...JUST SO YOU KNOW...she is trying to make up for that now. But in the past she didn't and that is where I take the ANGER from!

By saying I am my mom, you are disrespecting me! When my mom was my age she made alot ofmistakes that caused her to have me and my brother. She was NOT ready to have children and she honestly never grew up till recently! My mom was still a teenager at heart doing things for herself and for her! She did what she had to to keep us feed but she always acted like a teenager! Part of the reason I really dislike adults who act like teens...its just not smart! And I take FULL offense to someone saying I am my mom.

When my mom was my age she had two kids and was married to someone she fought with more than loved. She dropped out of high school and did not go to college! Understand me right now when I say, I am not her at this age! I do NOT have kids, I am not married (although that I wouldn't mind if it was with my Love), and I am trying hard to grow up so when I do have kids I will make sure they have a happy home life with happy parents and a good home in one place (perferably, this also depends on where God sends us!) My mom did her best to keep us to a standard living but she ALWAYS cared for the guy more than her own kids, WHOM SHE BIRTHED!!! She always put him first and then herself! I often wondered if she had to chose between us and her life...which would she chose? I never answered the question...I could never grasp which end she stood on! When I have kids, I want the best for them. I want to have a home in one place, a husband I LOVE and will show I love everyday, NOT everything they want but within reason things that will make them happy but healthy happy not spoiled (no spoiled kids for me!) and I want to be a mother who puts them first then her husband. God comes first, then kids, then husband. I know my husband will need to be switched a few times but for the most part, if my Love and I get married then we both agree the kids come first. I will do my absolute hardest to GRADUATE from COLLEGE and get a job that will allow my family to be happy and healthy!

FURTHERMORE....I have a HUGE problem with disrespectfulness and I have TWO examples of those today!

ONE! A friend came into my room and gave a book I let her borrow back. I asked her if she would like to go to the mall with us and she hesitated...she asked if her roomie was going and when I said yes, she quickly agreed to go with us. Well apparently she decided NOT to come and did NOT mention that to me! AT ALL! So I was under the impression she was coming...till I read her facebook status! THAT MADE ME ANGRY!

TWO! I was teasing my roomie at the mall about the fact that she "spit/the wind took her spit" on my Love's white jacket and she had the nerve to say I was acting like an IDIOT! BIG MISTAKE!!! MAJORLY! Now I call myself stupid and dumb and even an idiot sometimes...but thats me! Its ok....someone else getting angry at me and calling me an idiot...yep that is NOT ok! So I will not be chatting with her for a while! There is NO REASON TO EVER CALL SOMEONE SOMETHING LIKE THAT....NO MATTER HOW UPSET YOU ARE!

And to top everything off, I wanted so badly to wear some of the clothes at the mall but im too fat and my boobs are too big that I just looked STUPID in them! So my day, needless-to-say, was actually pretty sucky when you add in the fact that instead of me getting a valentines day flower or gift my amazing boyfriend tries to encourage his CLOSEST friend by sending HIM a rose! Jealous...yes! Sure it was cheaper than buying me flowers or anything but really, I keep getting pushed aside for HIM! Really! Now I feel NOT important and kind of PISSED! That was my day friends! Crappy RIGHT?

Learning Two New Things

So today I learned two new things about myself...and a sad thing...so first sad to get it over with then....HAPPY/Interesting.

Sad..I feel very sad....mostly cause I didn't get flowers on valentines day (not the reason im sad, I got to spend time with my love that weekend before and im was happy) but he bought a ROSE for his friend Matt (encouragement rose but flower for matt..made me sad!) On valentines day I got a package paper and so I went to the mail office and saw ALL these flowers and bouquets of flowers for girls and I was ALMOST excited that he would do something so nice...well I was wrong. My phone came in that day.

First new thing I learned today was that I like to sleep during the day because I feel the safest. I have always related God to light, so at night when it is really dark in our room I freak and give myself nightmares. During the day there is no darkness. I am safe, I feel safe. When I was little my step-father, as a punishment, would lock me in the basement. I would sit on the old wooden stairs alone and scared looking at the light coming through the door crying and wishing with all my might that I would get out of there quickly. So I like to sleep in the day time because that light fills my room and my heart!

Second thing I learned is I have this HOPE that one day sometime in the future my Love will stop by and take me out on a date because he knows how much I miss him. Then while we are on our date he will give me my promise ring. I still have a hope I'm gonna get a promise ring. He even faked me out when he visited when he got down on one knee and made me think he was gonna pull of a promise ring. Nope, he didn't. Sadness. But I know he won't and I know if he did he doesn't believe in giving presents randomly because the other likes it (of which I do.) So I KNOW I shouldn't have this hope but its still there. Of course...cause I LOVE TO TORCHER MYSELF OFTEN! Welcome to me! I suck don't I? Well like I always say.."Stupid me!"

So yea..those are what I learned today!

Fan-Freaking-tastic!

Great, on the TWO days I really need my boyfriend I was, AT FIRST, only able to talk to him one of those two days (thursdays) and NOW...OOO NOW, fun...I don't get to skype him at all! The time he WAS going to skype me, he said was his free time of which I became REPLACED by something else he commited to BECAUSE I GOT HIM INVOLVED in this and encouraged him to go for leaderdship and NOW now I regret it, not really fully, but I hate that I was so easily replaced because that is his free time! Yep deff don't feel important! Actaully, I feel like dirt! I had a pretty much NOT upset with my boyfriend blog just a few mins ago and then this!

GREAT! I get to go to bed MAD! STUPID DAY!

Painfully Real

Well today started out sort of bad...I was late to work. I don't know what it is about working at this daycare that makes me want to not ever be on time but I need that money...so I can NOT get fired! Grr to me! It was a long day of work topped with NO NAP after work, instead my wonderful roomie and I made our way to Kroger to get food. One thing I did find important is this...

MY ROOMIE AGREED WITH ME! I dislike the college we are at...like extremely! I want to go back to the college I WAS at. I miss that one. It gave us a chance to learn to be out in the real world, this one doesn't! There are few, if only one, student lead activities on campus. Everything has to have a professor over see everything and make the final decisions. I miss having the opportunity to serve and actually have a SAY in what I'm serving!

But TODAY they made my roommate angry! She was TICKED (this is rare) and she told me ALL about it! It was AWESOME! background: at my first college they had a DORM and HALL meeting that was maditory for all to attend TELLING you ahead of time dates and times of when you can be back on campus after break and when you have to be OFF campus before a break. The hall meetings were a few weeks after and they told us again! At this college..one week and 5 days before we are suppose to LEAVE for spring break! They told us just now that we can't get back on campus till Sunday but my roomie got us train tickets and we are coming back Saturday at midnight! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! That is stupid...so my father agreed to pick us up! Phew...that was a close one. But what made me SMILE the most was that she said, " I hate to say this, but you were right, this college sucks." HAPPY ME!! TEHE!

As for my emotions today, I just really wanted to feel important and I kind of didn't. My Love did talk to me for a little bit via text but that was it. It was a long day without a nap! Kind of made me sad! I have to nap tomorrow and all will be well again! One thing I had plenty of time to think about was that I am pretty sure I'm not going to get a promise ring. Mostly because if he bought one now I would wonder if it was out of forcedness and sort of because it hold little value to him. He told me he is gonna work on taking my values into account..NOW is when I deff. need to see him SHOW me that. But the promise ring was something I don't think he ever intended on getting me. Sad news, but prob. true.

Anyways the title of this is "painfully real" because today was filled with PAIN! Literal and mental. First you add that I'm not trying to do ALL of cardio barbie and the 140 or more crunches and I spent all day playing with kids SMALLER than me...can you say BACK PAIN! Then u add that I danced around in my room for FUN before Zumba doing the two hard things above and I'm a girl and GUESS WHAT THAT MEANS... STOMACH PAINS! Woot woot! Instead of cramps I get sick and well all that pain PLUS my calves hurting me to the point that if I kept going I would have fallen over..well you can read that my day was VERY painful! And I walked around in high heeled BOOTS all day! Feet hurt, calves hurt, back KILLING ME, head pain, and stomach fighting me every step of the way! A day where I really could have used a HUG from my Love! Man I hate being apart from him!

Can you feel my pain? If you want, Comment what you think below! What you think about my emotions, or my day! Either or, your choice! Thanks friends! =)

Do You Feel What I Feel

So, my V-day kind of sucked. I really needed to feel important from my Love and instead it was like another day for him. He tired for an hour then he got hunger (saw that coming)! They say you are suppose to up you last V-day and this kind of downed it...but we spent the weekend together.

Anyways, this is about a friend of mine and her boyfriend. My V-day may have sucked but for my friend, her's was the best in the world. They were only dating for a short time but the were serious about their plans for the future and he proposed to her on V-day. It was an awesome proposal (she made a note of how it happened on facebook)! I'm so happy for her.

They talked things out, they made sure they wanted to be together and they plan on being married this summer. That made me do some thinking...they just knew. Her words, "When you know, you know."

Do I know? Yes I do, I want to spend the rest of my life with my Love, so far =) but does he KNOW? He told me yes...and we have this WHOLE plan of getting married after HIS graduation and spending the first year of marriage apart so I can finish school and he can find a house. But he doesn't like thinking of the future. He doesn't want to have that to think about and it makes me wonder if his plans are so easily swade then will he sway on me? I do think so but its a fear.

I love him and I would be crushed if he did..but I feel like I'm the only one caring about the future. But he says he needs to focus on the present (but he always wants to think of the present) for his classes. Problem with him thinking of the present is that I am forgotten. And he tried to say he doesn't forget me but he can be thinking of me in the back of his head and still forgetting me.

I don't know. Honestly, I think I would have had a great V-day if I had gotten the promise ring I wanted. I don't need it but it has special value to me, a value that is not reflected in my Love's values. It's hard being so different yet so alike. Sadly we are both lazy people who don't want to do anything, except I have a plan to do something. I don't do the plan, but I have it in case I want to do the plan. I know if he had done this one thing from me I would have been the most content person in the WHOLE world. I would not be pushing for our future to start now or anything. I would have walked around all day like I had been purposed to.

But that was not the case, obviously. And honestly, a promise ring holds value to me because I've seen REAL people's (old peoples) marriages last so long and those women had promise rings first. But when I look at all the broken marriages/relationships that surround my life and see those old women's life story they told me, its a new vision. Ever since I was little I have always had a desire for that ring. Because the marriages I saw were either 1. promise ring and happy (still bumpy) marriage or 2. no promise ring and broken families in different states. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and dad, I wouldn't trade them for anyone in the world, but they are the greatest examples of how a marriage in Christ should be handled. To me, since I was a little girl, that promise ring is like magic. A wondrous round object so fine and delicate, simple and percise (doesn't really cost that much) that holds the magic power to keep moms and dads together till death. But of course I have my moms genes and emotional side. So over time I picked up on her "neediness for men to just stay" and so the ring also had a second meaning. It meant that it was also tangible evidence that is a LITTLE harder to break. Something I could hold onto and look at in times of doubt...it became more of a trap. (Example being if I got a ring I would feel like the guy was trapped but I wouldn't be pregnant. The ring would have trapped him.) Problem with that example is if my Love feels trapped he runs away. He doesn't really like to be COMMITTED to things. If he has to be somewhere he won't be. If he is told he has to write a paper the prof. is luck he even gets it in on time. Me, if I trapped him I would lose him. But he has given me ABSOLUTELY very little to go off of, I am terrified I have no future. I'm so scared to BELIEVE his words and then later be left.

So when my friends got engaged, I don't know, I asked myself why can't we do that? Why can't I have some kind of proof he isn't going to leave? Why can't I have something like a ring? He always tells me DON'T COMPARE ME TO OTHER PEOPLE, but why can't I ask these questions? Im not comparing, them getting engaged just made me think.

I love mi Amor and I want to spend my life with him and only him....does he feel the same way about me? He says he does but over these past few weeks he hasn't shown anything. Just his words which make sense (COMPLETE SENSE) but then his actions don't follow. So he VALUES words and I value ACTIONS. Another value he doesn't take into account. I will stop believing his words if he can't take my values on actions?

Does he feel what I feel? What do you think?

What Valentines Day is Today!

So I guess I feel like explaining why I hate Valentines Day so much! And really it comes down to one thing.

Now-a-days we find that Valentines Day is just a day to remind girls how alone they really are. But what is worse is that today, people put so much HYP on this day that if a girl doesn't have someone special in her life she should feel horrible. All the HYP makes girls WANT that couple idea where they get gifts and have someone to kiss and say I love you to. Sadly, most of those girls either do one of two things. One they go out and FIND a guy a few days before Valentines Day OR they cry their eyes out or get mad because of how the day makes them feel. And the way the feel is UNLOVED! HOW can anyone tell someone else they are unloved and think its ok? This day does that. EVERYONE does that! They make others feel unloved or cared for because they don't even have a guy. And in reality having a guy may not even make the day better.

Some guys aren't romantic. Take mine for example, when we first meet he was REALLY romantic, but not he is just his self. Not too romantic because we are at the point in our relationship where we are more focused on our selves than eachother, and in a way it is helping us grow in ourselves but also HURTING us (mainly me to a point) because he isn't that sweet romantic guy any more. Its all about him and I think its all about me, so we just fight. So my valentines day is gonna suck. Why because I decided to transfer colleges, because it wasn't planned well, because I BROKE HIS CAR, and because he is focused on his stuff and the things he needs to do! He didn't think ahead. He didn't do anything sweet specifically for valentines day like give me candy or flowers. DOES THAT CHANGE HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM? NO! I still love him and I am grateful I spent time with him. It may have NOT felt like a Valentines day thing, but I still got that time. And somewhere in his head he really thought it was a Valentines day thing. So I AM HAPPY WITH IT! BUT because of how we are all raised believing that you have to RECEIVE flowers, candy, and teddy bears (which I really wanted) I was sad because I didn't get any of them! I couldn't be happy with what I got, which was STILL alot!

This is what Valentines day does to people! It makes us believe it has to be one way and if it isn't that way...well then we cry and get sad for the whole day! I have believed this for a LONG time and I still have a small sadness in my heart that I don't get flowers, candy, or a teddy bear this valentines day. Why? Because thats how I was raised...its what I was taught. People DON'T like to feel left out and watching COUPLES everywhere having a good time only ADDS to the sadness that we were taught to have!

If people took the day for what it was meant to be for, SHOWING YOU LOVE OTHERS!! Then maybe it would be a different story. Instead it is about being with a guy or girl.

This is why I hate Valentines Day! Because it HURTS EVERYONE who isn't a couple and because Valentines Day made me SAD with the TIME and personal (not physical) time I got to spend with my Love!

Hopes Can Be Dashed

I truely hate Valentines Day. Nothing ever goes right. Last time I spent the day with Cristhian and we had a good time. But that was the only good Valentines Day that I have ever had! All the others, CRAP! And this one will just add to it. WHY?

1. No Boyfriend, it sucks to be away from the person you want to be with the most on a day where EVERYONE else gets to be together! YAY..NOT!

2. No ring (made me sad but I will most likely never get it because it holds more value to me than him. So engagement ring in 3 or 4 years, LONG WAIT here I come!

3. COUPLES everywhere...gonna makes me wanna smack them ALL! Grrrrr...

I am under the impression that my ring will never come because it holds LITTLE value to my Love than it does to me. To me, its something special. To him, its nothing important. Sadly, since its important to me, it should be important to him but we have a lot of things that we don't agree on. Yet the ring isn't as important as knowing I am so far away from him that I cant even SPEND the day with him. WHY? cause I broke his stinking car! GRRR, AGAIN!!! Luckily I will be pretty busy all day and only have about 2hrs to do nothing.

Side note, at midnight I will be handing out valentine day (CUTE) cards to EVERY door on our hall! I'm excited to love on other people! But thats the only thing I have that I can be happy about this Valentines day! I doubt I'll get to talk to my boyfriend long..BUT I know for sure I won't be surprised with flowers on Monday because my Love told me so. A sad thing but true! That is just how it works with us. I give gifts and he pays for a meal. (I think I spend the most unless we go to a few other places, but eating dinner I could do without if it meant getting a gift from someone I love, but that dinner time is a good time to talk..PROS and CONS..hehe)

For those who want to know, I had A WONDERFUL time with my Love! I loved being able to spend so much time with him! We went to Chinese for dinner with friends before going to watch Rodgers and Hammerstine's Cinderella. And then went bowling with different friends (a couple, it was nice to have a couples date) and spent a wonderful time just being a couple! EXCITING! then the next day, WE were lazy and didn't get to see each other for a long time. But we did my homework ( i did it, he just came with me) and took pictures (AWESOME pictures) and my dad came to visit for a bit and switch out laptops. Then we went to dinner at a Chinese BUFFET (which I LOVE THE MOSTEST) and had a great time. Walked there and back, enjoyed laughing and just being with him! Spent the night in my room for a bit just being with each other. Then he left at 9pm and I cried while getting food!

I HATE VALENTINES DAY! (Sad but true!) I have nothing to look forward to except the night...and sleeping!

Discontentment?

I have just finished reading my bible study with Girlfriends In God and they talked about the fact that God gives you discontent with the things in your life that he doesn't have planned for you....and I was thinking...

I know that I need to NOT put ANYONE above God...and I'm trying really hard. All my other friends lost people the cared about so much because they replaced God with their friends/loved ones. I don't want to be like them! I KNOW I need to change...put God first...so I keep thinking...

Am i discontent with my Love? I'm always upset at something he says, I'm always sad that it seems like he doesn't really care (by his actions) even though he SAYS he does. I know I grew to the point that I hate being away from him and I depended on HIM way more than I ever did for God. But can I be discontent with him? I am almost positive that he is who God wants me to marry.

He challenges me to be a better person and gives me strength when I'm very sad! He is amazing and I basically believe he is perfect for me in many ways...even when I want to strangle him! He is my opposite but he fits the parts I miss and I fit the parts he misses...and I LOVE HIM! So this thought hurts...but I keep thinking...what if God wants us to be apart..then I remember something.....

IF GOD WANTS US TO BE A PART, He will make us part. And Im terrified of that idea...of losing someone I love...and its REALLY annoying that I don't get to know! For now...I am staying POSITIVE and remembering that if God wants us a part...he will do it! and Im PRAYING with ALL MY HEART that he DOESN'T PART US!

Dear Lord,

I'm writing because I'm gonna pray in writing this time. I am so thankful to have everyday...to be alive now and to be living another day. I know its a blessing and I thank you for it. Lord I thank you for my day and I thank you for the people I love and care for. Lord I know I NEED to put you as number one and I pray I am not like my friends and many others...I pray that I am able to keep my loved ones because I am working on putting you first. Please make this uneasy feeling go away! Give me faith that I am with my Love for good Lord. Help me to understand that I want to be with him and that you may not take him away Lord. I want to pray more constentley. I want to run to you and vent to you when I'm upset because I love you that much Lord. And I want to be able to follow the plan you have for me. But I pray very very HARD that I am able to be with the man I love named Cristhain. I pray I get to be with him and marry him someday in the future! I want to have a family with him...no one else that I have dated have I EVER thought about marrying them in a permanent kind of way Lord. And I pray that the man I am dating right now Lord will be the man I will be with for the rest of my life in a happy life/marriage. Please help me to learn and grow in YOU Lord! Help me to focus on you because I love you and fear the things you will take if I don't. First because I love you! Second because I fear you. Thank you so much Lord for my life! and Family and friends! And for Cristhian, my Love!

AMEN!

Don't Be So Pushy

I realized that when I want something I do this...

1. leave little hints for a good while

2. when it gets closer to time I start to "help" this person a bit more towards what I want

3. If its getting too close, I down right just ask.

Example 1

So when my amazing Love came to visit me on tuesday I was very happy, but when we talked I got to feel silly and stupid. It really sucked that I was told I'm probably not getting the promise ring I want till there is an occasion for it to be given (i.e. birthday, Christmas, ect.).

But i followed my plan to the T! I left little hints since we had started dating of the importance a promise ring holds for me and then I gave REALLY big hints towards what I wanted for Valentines day (after a year and 3months of dating so its ok to ask..but before really doesn't make sense). Last I even looked up rings I would LOVE to receive. Then when he came he told me about why he isn't gonna get me one because I did the one thing he hates and responds THE OPPOSITE way to! STUPID ME! YOU KNEW THAT!

Sadly I thought I was in the right because he doesn't really do the things I want him to without me asking...but I was HONEST to goodness in the WRONG and I felt STUPID! STUPID ME! Now your consequence is that you don't get it for a good FEW months! STUPID ME! Thats all I can say.

Example 2

I wanted a mirror that was full lenght and I keep dropping hints to my dad, when it got closer to when I was gonna leave...I mean I deff followed my normal plan and that BACK FIRED on me BIGTIME. My dad said he wasn't ever going to get me that mirror because I didn't just ask. If I had asked I would have gotten it, but since I made a "big deal out of it." Of course, right...that always happens...but with friends...IT ALWAYS works...I don't get why guy people who are close to me arn't effected by it..

STUPID ME!

The Thought Process of A Surprise

So yesterday night I was at a pretty low mood! I mean I really hated the fact that I was going to be spending the weekend before and the day of Valentines Day by myself without my amazing boyfriend! SUCK!

So I sort of knew he was planning something (im nosy) and I thought that i was probably him asking my roomie to buy me flowers on that day and hand them to me in the place of him not being here...cause I broke his STINKING car..cause I was STUPID!

Well he always asks why I am sad so I told him..its cause I wanted him here! And eventually he just told me he was planning on surprising me and coming up to see the musical Rodger and Hammerstine's Cinderella and spend that night plus a small part of the next day with me.

THAT MADE ME PUMPED!

Then he said...but I can't take you out to eat somewhere romantic like we did last year...it will prob be lunch time and we'll go to Mcy D's. I was like...you know what I don't care...I am happy that you are even coming...THEN he told me that he didn't save any of the money he said he was going to use to buy my promise ring with. He used it all for food...

(Side bar...I keep getting ignored, forgotten, and less important to FOOD...kinda sucks)

That made me a bit sad...I would have been fine if it had been for something useful...rather than he strange need to eat at every hour of the day...its only going to add to his healthy-but-becoming-VERY-unhealthy-body! What is worse is that I keep losing out the FOOD! The food channel stops him from texting me and he forgets to skype me because he went to eat with his friends...but it REALLY disappointed me that he couldn't put his selfishness aside for just a few seconds and save that little bit of money! I mean...I lost out to FOOD, but most importantly, I lost out to him...again!

That is what made me sad...if he had been buying food for his friends with that money...or helping someone out with it...or buying books or gifts for someone..I really wouldn't have been so upset...but..he didn't. That's why I'm sad..it's something that is of importance to me...it may be small and meaningless to HIM but to me...it's safety. It's physical proof he loves me enough to show me and get me a solid object for me to look at when I'm in doubt.

I mean...I'm not a mean person on a normal basis...and I am being honest when I say that I wouldn't have a problem if he had spent the money one others..but it hurts that he put himself above me again.

It's very hard for me to believe his words anymore...because he says.."I'll work on it!" and doesn't...well maybe for like a day or two..but I ALWAYS lose out to HIS SELF! I mean, I'm selfish but he is showing a side that I have ALWAYS HATED in other. People who only care for themselves. Then you top it off with the fact that he say I should believe in his words...but I have no proof. I really shouldn't ever believe him! EVER! But I do..and I usually regret it. I don't know what I can do to help him..but he DEFF. doesn't love me enough to change...because he isn't. Not now...and prob not ever...and not seeing a change..that will make ME LEAVE. But I love him...so I KEEP GIVING HIM MY FAITH and he keeps killing it...and I give it again...and he kills it again. Love makes us do crazy things..but how long should I hold on to someone who doesn't really want to be with me...not in the healthy way. He just wants to be with a girl who will be somewhat physical and be selfish! and that don't fly with ME!

In the end I just have to tell myself MAYBE one day he WILL change. We will see when I get tired of it...it's already starting...me being tired of his selfishness...but you know what...there are times when I love him..and I just laugh at him and his selfishness cause I should have seen it coming.

Anyways...I'm staying positive....I just needed to get this out...I get to see him..even if its not even for a WHOLE 24 hours..I get to see him for like 8hrs at most...but thats more than I was gonna get...and as much as I hate that I keep losing out to FOOD and HIM...he still tries every once in a blue moon...and those are nice!

I STILL LOVE HIM THOUGH!

It's all GONE!

So I realized that I SUCK with money! I mean really, once I get married my amazing husband will HATE me. I am really bad with money!

I just got paid today and it went from over a hundred to ten dollars.

I BLAME EBAY!!! Thats so ANNOYING..but ADDICTING! Its like your getting a deal....but ur buy enough that you aren't! And Im stupid enough to just CLICK "buy now" without looking to see how much money I would be spending.

I mean whenever I get married my husband will HATE me..im of NO use to paying bills nor of budgeting...

My husband will just tell me what I can and can't spend and past that...I just stay FAR away from it. I just be a good wife and listen to my husband!

STUPID EBAY!!! ( i don't mean ebay is stupid i just mean I am stupid for falling for the allure that ebay gives!)

A Broken Heart to a Happy Heart

So, today was bad...really bad.

It started off with my asking my love if he wanted to marry me and if he was going to marry me..two VERY different things. According to him, in his tiredness he said partial truth. The reason I fully believe him is because he is a MUCH more selfish person when he is tired than when he is fully awake.

So I spent my whole day royally PISSED off that I had been lied to for a whole year. He told me that we were going to be married and called me his wife. Then all of a sudden in his tiredness he says he WANTS to marry me but he THINKS we will be married and I flipped. I mean I can't STAND being lied to...not at all!

So I am going through all the ways to break up with him in a mature way that didn't involve choking him all day! I mean I had a bad BAD day because of this. So I decided I will talk to him one more time before getting crazy...but first...prayer again. I had to just talk to God...just tell him things, ideas, frustrations, and so much more. YES he already knows everything...but he DOES love us talking to him! So I did....

Then I talk to Cris later that night...he said I caught him off guard in the morning and he was tired all day...so he really didn't read what I wrote well or understand it because of his tiredness. And in many ways I can agree with that because I usually see him tired and mean! So on the one hand...the one thing I needed him to tell him was said! On the other hand, I spent the day PISSED to find it was a misunderstanding!

I'm very selfish...I mean...I always need things on my time and if I had waited to talk to him till that night instead of the morning I might have had a better day!

Either way...I was told he WANTS to and WILL marry me..here is PRAYING that its true! FAITH is believing without seeing...so I am having faith in the man I say I love!

My day is FILLED with emotions...deff. hate being a girl most days!

Frustration

We are all clouded by the shadows of those times where there is nothing but anger.

Normally everyone gets annoyed with someone at one point...but there are a few things that tick me off so fast I don't even think before anything...I just get mad.

1. Telling me to calm down when I am calm.

2. Telling me I have an attitude when I don't.

3. NOT LISTENING to what I am saying and ASSUMING you already know what I am saying.

4. Telling me what to do....not ok

5. LYING TO ME! Not ok EVER.

6. Stupid people driving like CRAZY retards!

7. BEING RUDE! I promise you..I can not STAND people who are not nice to others and want to make other people feel their pain! Watch me beat you up jerks...tehe =)

there are a few more but I should be doing my homework instead of this...but this is the first for today...if you think this is alot of posts my friends on facebook would VERY MUCH disagree! =)

I'm Scared

At this moment I am sitting here wondering....

Why do I hurt?

Why am I scared?

Why am I scared to ask God if he is the right one for me? I want so desperately for him to be right for MANY, MANY reasons...but first and foremost..I love him...even when he treats me mean or when he says mean things or at this moment when I feel like he doesn't want to be in a relationship..I feel like he wants to just have a girlfriend close to him and not me.

You can love someone but not want to be with them. He says.."I love you and I want to work on this." But all I see is his laziness and his want to do things for his self. I don't feel included in his plans..I feel like I'm being drug through the dirty screaming and he doesn't even care.

When I cried he use to STOP and just think for a second...

When I texted him he NEVER stopped texting before sending one text with the only words being "I love you"

When I was scared I ran to him and he made me feel better...

Now he doesn't even want to talk to me.

Here is what I am afraid of....God is taking him away from me...He is RUNNING away because God is telling me I depended on Cris too much and now I went to far and Cris is being taken away. I ran to Cris because he was suppose to be that person for me...the person here on earth that I could run to...and I went TOO far and depended on him...now I am wondering if it was a mistake...all this pain so I can learn to depend on God...can I even SAVE this relationship....

NO....no..no I can't. God has to...not me...but I'm scared. If God is doing this now...why would he want to fix it....its ALOT of work to depend on God and STILL be in the relationship I am in.

God can fix anything...BUT I AM TERRIFIED I'm going to lose someone I love...and I'm not sure if he would care? He seems just fine not talking to me everyday...

I have petty problems...things he hasn't made me feel ANY BETTER about...because we seem to be in the phase of our relationship where God is stepping in..and we are bored with eachother...he doesn't even want to talk to me...do you know how hurtful that is?????

A New Year Plus A Few Days

So this is my first blog in a while and I'm pumped! I have TONS of stories I wanted to post that not many people would read and now I FOUND THIS BLOG and I can Do So! W00t w00t

First is the story I wrote on Facebook! I will copy and paste it here..but now I was just told by one of my friends that I can have ANOTHER blog about just my stories! So I am PUMPED even more!

YAY FOR BLOGS RIGHT NOW!

AMEN!