Learning Two New Things

So today I learned two new things about myself...and a sad thing...so first sad to get it over with then....HAPPY/Interesting.

Sad..I feel very sad....mostly cause I didn't get flowers on valentines day (not the reason im sad, I got to spend time with my love that weekend before and im was happy) but he bought a ROSE for his friend Matt (encouragement rose but flower for matt..made me sad!) On valentines day I got a package paper and so I went to the mail office and saw ALL these flowers and bouquets of flowers for girls and I was ALMOST excited that he would do something so nice...well I was wrong. My phone came in that day.

First new thing I learned today was that I like to sleep during the day because I feel the safest. I have always related God to light, so at night when it is really dark in our room I freak and give myself nightmares. During the day there is no darkness. I am safe, I feel safe. When I was little my step-father, as a punishment, would lock me in the basement. I would sit on the old wooden stairs alone and scared looking at the light coming through the door crying and wishing with all my might that I would get out of there quickly. So I like to sleep in the day time because that light fills my room and my heart!

Second thing I learned is I have this HOPE that one day sometime in the future my Love will stop by and take me out on a date because he knows how much I miss him. Then while we are on our date he will give me my promise ring. I still have a hope I'm gonna get a promise ring. He even faked me out when he visited when he got down on one knee and made me think he was gonna pull of a promise ring. Nope, he didn't. Sadness. But I know he won't and I know if he did he doesn't believe in giving presents randomly because the other likes it (of which I do.) So I KNOW I shouldn't have this hope but its still there. Of course...cause I LOVE TO TORCHER MYSELF OFTEN! Welcome to me! I suck don't I? Well like I always say.."Stupid me!"

So yea..those are what I learned today!

Fan-Freaking-tastic!

Great, on the TWO days I really need my boyfriend I was, AT FIRST, only able to talk to him one of those two days (thursdays) and NOW...OOO NOW, fun...I don't get to skype him at all! The time he WAS going to skype me, he said was his free time of which I became REPLACED by something else he commited to BECAUSE I GOT HIM INVOLVED in this and encouraged him to go for leaderdship and NOW now I regret it, not really fully, but I hate that I was so easily replaced because that is his free time! Yep deff don't feel important! Actaully, I feel like dirt! I had a pretty much NOT upset with my boyfriend blog just a few mins ago and then this!

GREAT! I get to go to bed MAD! STUPID DAY!

Painfully Real

Well today started out sort of bad...I was late to work. I don't know what it is about working at this daycare that makes me want to not ever be on time but I need that money...so I can NOT get fired! Grr to me! It was a long day of work topped with NO NAP after work, instead my wonderful roomie and I made our way to Kroger to get food. One thing I did find important is this...

MY ROOMIE AGREED WITH ME! I dislike the college we are at...like extremely! I want to go back to the college I WAS at. I miss that one. It gave us a chance to learn to be out in the real world, this one doesn't! There are few, if only one, student lead activities on campus. Everything has to have a professor over see everything and make the final decisions. I miss having the opportunity to serve and actually have a SAY in what I'm serving!

But TODAY they made my roommate angry! She was TICKED (this is rare) and she told me ALL about it! It was AWESOME! background: at my first college they had a DORM and HALL meeting that was maditory for all to attend TELLING you ahead of time dates and times of when you can be back on campus after break and when you have to be OFF campus before a break. The hall meetings were a few weeks after and they told us again! At this college..one week and 5 days before we are suppose to LEAVE for spring break! They told us just now that we can't get back on campus till Sunday but my roomie got us train tickets and we are coming back Saturday at midnight! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! That is stupid...so my father agreed to pick us up! Phew...that was a close one. But what made me SMILE the most was that she said, " I hate to say this, but you were right, this college sucks." HAPPY ME!! TEHE!

As for my emotions today, I just really wanted to feel important and I kind of didn't. My Love did talk to me for a little bit via text but that was it. It was a long day without a nap! Kind of made me sad! I have to nap tomorrow and all will be well again! One thing I had plenty of time to think about was that I am pretty sure I'm not going to get a promise ring. Mostly because if he bought one now I would wonder if it was out of forcedness and sort of because it hold little value to him. He told me he is gonna work on taking my values into account..NOW is when I deff. need to see him SHOW me that. But the promise ring was something I don't think he ever intended on getting me. Sad news, but prob. true.

Anyways the title of this is "painfully real" because today was filled with PAIN! Literal and mental. First you add that I'm not trying to do ALL of cardio barbie and the 140 or more crunches and I spent all day playing with kids SMALLER than me...can you say BACK PAIN! Then u add that I danced around in my room for FUN before Zumba doing the two hard things above and I'm a girl and GUESS WHAT THAT MEANS... STOMACH PAINS! Woot woot! Instead of cramps I get sick and well all that pain PLUS my calves hurting me to the point that if I kept going I would have fallen over..well you can read that my day was VERY painful! And I walked around in high heeled BOOTS all day! Feet hurt, calves hurt, back KILLING ME, head pain, and stomach fighting me every step of the way! A day where I really could have used a HUG from my Love! Man I hate being apart from him!

Can you feel my pain? If you want, Comment what you think below! What you think about my emotions, or my day! Either or, your choice! Thanks friends! =)

Do You Feel What I Feel

So, my V-day kind of sucked. I really needed to feel important from my Love and instead it was like another day for him. He tired for an hour then he got hunger (saw that coming)! They say you are suppose to up you last V-day and this kind of downed it...but we spent the weekend together.

Anyways, this is about a friend of mine and her boyfriend. My V-day may have sucked but for my friend, her's was the best in the world. They were only dating for a short time but the were serious about their plans for the future and he proposed to her on V-day. It was an awesome proposal (she made a note of how it happened on facebook)! I'm so happy for her.

They talked things out, they made sure they wanted to be together and they plan on being married this summer. That made me do some thinking...they just knew. Her words, "When you know, you know."

Do I know? Yes I do, I want to spend the rest of my life with my Love, so far =) but does he KNOW? He told me yes...and we have this WHOLE plan of getting married after HIS graduation and spending the first year of marriage apart so I can finish school and he can find a house. But he doesn't like thinking of the future. He doesn't want to have that to think about and it makes me wonder if his plans are so easily swade then will he sway on me? I do think so but its a fear.

I love him and I would be crushed if he did..but I feel like I'm the only one caring about the future. But he says he needs to focus on the present (but he always wants to think of the present) for his classes. Problem with him thinking of the present is that I am forgotten. And he tried to say he doesn't forget me but he can be thinking of me in the back of his head and still forgetting me.

I don't know. Honestly, I think I would have had a great V-day if I had gotten the promise ring I wanted. I don't need it but it has special value to me, a value that is not reflected in my Love's values. It's hard being so different yet so alike. Sadly we are both lazy people who don't want to do anything, except I have a plan to do something. I don't do the plan, but I have it in case I want to do the plan. I know if he had done this one thing from me I would have been the most content person in the WHOLE world. I would not be pushing for our future to start now or anything. I would have walked around all day like I had been purposed to.

But that was not the case, obviously. And honestly, a promise ring holds value to me because I've seen REAL people's (old peoples) marriages last so long and those women had promise rings first. But when I look at all the broken marriages/relationships that surround my life and see those old women's life story they told me, its a new vision. Ever since I was little I have always had a desire for that ring. Because the marriages I saw were either 1. promise ring and happy (still bumpy) marriage or 2. no promise ring and broken families in different states. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and dad, I wouldn't trade them for anyone in the world, but they are the greatest examples of how a marriage in Christ should be handled. To me, since I was a little girl, that promise ring is like magic. A wondrous round object so fine and delicate, simple and percise (doesn't really cost that much) that holds the magic power to keep moms and dads together till death. But of course I have my moms genes and emotional side. So over time I picked up on her "neediness for men to just stay" and so the ring also had a second meaning. It meant that it was also tangible evidence that is a LITTLE harder to break. Something I could hold onto and look at in times of doubt...it became more of a trap. (Example being if I got a ring I would feel like the guy was trapped but I wouldn't be pregnant. The ring would have trapped him.) Problem with that example is if my Love feels trapped he runs away. He doesn't really like to be COMMITTED to things. If he has to be somewhere he won't be. If he is told he has to write a paper the prof. is luck he even gets it in on time. Me, if I trapped him I would lose him. But he has given me ABSOLUTELY very little to go off of, I am terrified I have no future. I'm so scared to BELIEVE his words and then later be left.

So when my friends got engaged, I don't know, I asked myself why can't we do that? Why can't I have some kind of proof he isn't going to leave? Why can't I have something like a ring? He always tells me DON'T COMPARE ME TO OTHER PEOPLE, but why can't I ask these questions? Im not comparing, them getting engaged just made me think.

I love mi Amor and I want to spend my life with him and only him....does he feel the same way about me? He says he does but over these past few weeks he hasn't shown anything. Just his words which make sense (COMPLETE SENSE) but then his actions don't follow. So he VALUES words and I value ACTIONS. Another value he doesn't take into account. I will stop believing his words if he can't take my values on actions?

Does he feel what I feel? What do you think?

What Valentines Day is Today!

So I guess I feel like explaining why I hate Valentines Day so much! And really it comes down to one thing.

Now-a-days we find that Valentines Day is just a day to remind girls how alone they really are. But what is worse is that today, people put so much HYP on this day that if a girl doesn't have someone special in her life she should feel horrible. All the HYP makes girls WANT that couple idea where they get gifts and have someone to kiss and say I love you to. Sadly, most of those girls either do one of two things. One they go out and FIND a guy a few days before Valentines Day OR they cry their eyes out or get mad because of how the day makes them feel. And the way the feel is UNLOVED! HOW can anyone tell someone else they are unloved and think its ok? This day does that. EVERYONE does that! They make others feel unloved or cared for because they don't even have a guy. And in reality having a guy may not even make the day better.

Some guys aren't romantic. Take mine for example, when we first meet he was REALLY romantic, but not he is just his self. Not too romantic because we are at the point in our relationship where we are more focused on our selves than eachother, and in a way it is helping us grow in ourselves but also HURTING us (mainly me to a point) because he isn't that sweet romantic guy any more. Its all about him and I think its all about me, so we just fight. So my valentines day is gonna suck. Why because I decided to transfer colleges, because it wasn't planned well, because I BROKE HIS CAR, and because he is focused on his stuff and the things he needs to do! He didn't think ahead. He didn't do anything sweet specifically for valentines day like give me candy or flowers. DOES THAT CHANGE HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM? NO! I still love him and I am grateful I spent time with him. It may have NOT felt like a Valentines day thing, but I still got that time. And somewhere in his head he really thought it was a Valentines day thing. So I AM HAPPY WITH IT! BUT because of how we are all raised believing that you have to RECEIVE flowers, candy, and teddy bears (which I really wanted) I was sad because I didn't get any of them! I couldn't be happy with what I got, which was STILL alot!

This is what Valentines day does to people! It makes us believe it has to be one way and if it isn't that way...well then we cry and get sad for the whole day! I have believed this for a LONG time and I still have a small sadness in my heart that I don't get flowers, candy, or a teddy bear this valentines day. Why? Because thats how I was raised...its what I was taught. People DON'T like to feel left out and watching COUPLES everywhere having a good time only ADDS to the sadness that we were taught to have!

If people took the day for what it was meant to be for, SHOWING YOU LOVE OTHERS!! Then maybe it would be a different story. Instead it is about being with a guy or girl.

This is why I hate Valentines Day! Because it HURTS EVERYONE who isn't a couple and because Valentines Day made me SAD with the TIME and personal (not physical) time I got to spend with my Love!

Hopes Can Be Dashed

I truely hate Valentines Day. Nothing ever goes right. Last time I spent the day with Cristhian and we had a good time. But that was the only good Valentines Day that I have ever had! All the others, CRAP! And this one will just add to it. WHY?

1. No Boyfriend, it sucks to be away from the person you want to be with the most on a day where EVERYONE else gets to be together! YAY..NOT!

2. No ring (made me sad but I will most likely never get it because it holds more value to me than him. So engagement ring in 3 or 4 years, LONG WAIT here I come!

3. COUPLES everywhere...gonna makes me wanna smack them ALL! Grrrrr...

I am under the impression that my ring will never come because it holds LITTLE value to my Love than it does to me. To me, its something special. To him, its nothing important. Sadly, since its important to me, it should be important to him but we have a lot of things that we don't agree on. Yet the ring isn't as important as knowing I am so far away from him that I cant even SPEND the day with him. WHY? cause I broke his stinking car! GRRR, AGAIN!!! Luckily I will be pretty busy all day and only have about 2hrs to do nothing.

Side note, at midnight I will be handing out valentine day (CUTE) cards to EVERY door on our hall! I'm excited to love on other people! But thats the only thing I have that I can be happy about this Valentines day! I doubt I'll get to talk to my boyfriend long..BUT I know for sure I won't be surprised with flowers on Monday because my Love told me so. A sad thing but true! That is just how it works with us. I give gifts and he pays for a meal. (I think I spend the most unless we go to a few other places, but eating dinner I could do without if it meant getting a gift from someone I love, but that dinner time is a good time to talk..PROS and CONS..hehe)

For those who want to know, I had A WONDERFUL time with my Love! I loved being able to spend so much time with him! We went to Chinese for dinner with friends before going to watch Rodgers and Hammerstine's Cinderella. And then went bowling with different friends (a couple, it was nice to have a couples date) and spent a wonderful time just being a couple! EXCITING! then the next day, WE were lazy and didn't get to see each other for a long time. But we did my homework ( i did it, he just came with me) and took pictures (AWESOME pictures) and my dad came to visit for a bit and switch out laptops. Then we went to dinner at a Chinese BUFFET (which I LOVE THE MOSTEST) and had a great time. Walked there and back, enjoyed laughing and just being with him! Spent the night in my room for a bit just being with each other. Then he left at 9pm and I cried while getting food!

I HATE VALENTINES DAY! (Sad but true!) I have nothing to look forward to except the night...and sleeping!

Discontentment?

I have just finished reading my bible study with Girlfriends In God and they talked about the fact that God gives you discontent with the things in your life that he doesn't have planned for you....and I was thinking...

I know that I need to NOT put ANYONE above God...and I'm trying really hard. All my other friends lost people the cared about so much because they replaced God with their friends/loved ones. I don't want to be like them! I KNOW I need to change...put God first...so I keep thinking...

Am i discontent with my Love? I'm always upset at something he says, I'm always sad that it seems like he doesn't really care (by his actions) even though he SAYS he does. I know I grew to the point that I hate being away from him and I depended on HIM way more than I ever did for God. But can I be discontent with him? I am almost positive that he is who God wants me to marry.

He challenges me to be a better person and gives me strength when I'm very sad! He is amazing and I basically believe he is perfect for me in many ways...even when I want to strangle him! He is my opposite but he fits the parts I miss and I fit the parts he misses...and I LOVE HIM! So this thought hurts...but I keep thinking...what if God wants us to be apart..then I remember something.....

IF GOD WANTS US TO BE A PART, He will make us part. And Im terrified of that idea...of losing someone I love...and its REALLY annoying that I don't get to know! For now...I am staying POSITIVE and remembering that if God wants us a part...he will do it! and Im PRAYING with ALL MY HEART that he DOESN'T PART US!

Dear Lord,

I'm writing because I'm gonna pray in writing this time. I am so thankful to have everyday...to be alive now and to be living another day. I know its a blessing and I thank you for it. Lord I thank you for my day and I thank you for the people I love and care for. Lord I know I NEED to put you as number one and I pray I am not like my friends and many others...I pray that I am able to keep my loved ones because I am working on putting you first. Please make this uneasy feeling go away! Give me faith that I am with my Love for good Lord. Help me to understand that I want to be with him and that you may not take him away Lord. I want to pray more constentley. I want to run to you and vent to you when I'm upset because I love you that much Lord. And I want to be able to follow the plan you have for me. But I pray very very HARD that I am able to be with the man I love named Cristhain. I pray I get to be with him and marry him someday in the future! I want to have a family with him...no one else that I have dated have I EVER thought about marrying them in a permanent kind of way Lord. And I pray that the man I am dating right now Lord will be the man I will be with for the rest of my life in a happy life/marriage. Please help me to learn and grow in YOU Lord! Help me to focus on you because I love you and fear the things you will take if I don't. First because I love you! Second because I fear you. Thank you so much Lord for my life! and Family and friends! And for Cristhian, my Love!

AMEN!