Feels Abroad, Let It All Out

Dear Self,
Please listen! I know you have never felt this way about any guy before and you don't want to screw things up but you are being too clingy! With you last boyfriend you never cared where he was....there was nothing in you that wanted to be with him at all times, why do you feel the need to be with this one at all times? Why do you feel different when you are with him? Why are you planning you life around him? I know you know that God planned you two together but why do you feel that you need him? You have NEVER needed ANY guy, so why this one? Tiffany told you that she admired your ableness to stay distant and not need any guy!

You have become a negative person as well! You need to be more positve and stop being so sad! There are great things in life that you are putting down because he is not there and your father loves you! Even though he isn't there alot cause he is working, he still loves you and will always love you! Focus on the good! Do what Rachel Iz. told you and focus on the good memories and wait out the time without him! Try to figure out why this guy is different from all the rest!
Always,
Your self

Dear Me,
I can't answer all of that! I don't understand why this is like this, but like Tiffany told me, I know what I am suppose to do and what God calls me to do. And I plan on being with him forever because I know God wants us to be together and I know we will be! All I have is that, I know God will put everything else in place after that! I have FAITH! But I do need to not be so negative!
Always,
Self!

This is Real This is me

This is real,
This me,
I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be,
Gonna let the light shine on me,
Now I found who I am,
Theres no way to hold it in,
No more hiding who I wanna be!
This is me! -Camp Rock

I have a friend who is searching hard to find herslef. She feels lost, like she can't find who she is anymore and she feels as though she doesn't know where to go. I was thinking and praying about her and I just started thinking. It would suck to not know who you are. To go to college to "find yourself" instead of going to become more of you. I believe you do find a part of you in college because you are on your own and have to find that peice that can live alone but I am sadened by her lostness. I want to help her find herself....and then I started thinking...do I know myself.

And that conclusion was simple. YES! I am not like her, I know who I am. I may not know where the Lord is taking me, but I do know who I am. I am Ayla Lisza Jane Besinger! The crazy, goofy, drops everything, forgets things, says the wrong things, loves to make you smile, girl that most people get the chance to know. I have faith in the person God made me and I am not questioning the gifts he gave me, I am just using them to better what I can. He gave me who I am and I know who I am because of him. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I am fully aware of how to handle my weaknesses so that they are not in my way. I only wish she could see the person I see in front of me. She is a beautiful girl with so much passion and kindness, but she doesn't trust fully in herself. And I fear she may not trust God as well! One day God will show her, her beauty and she will finally see the person I have seen all these years.

Today is the First

SO today is Novemeber 1st! Exciting isn't it! It's the first of the month and the first of another time of firsts! Examples.....the first time I fell down the stairs from third floor in Alpha in Novemeber! YAY and maybe the first time I said "HI" to every person I know who goes through or lives in Alpha by YELLING "HEY......." and saying their name!

I believe that God gave us firsts so that we can make memories! Possible so that we can start over! Maybe last month was hard and you just HATED it with a GREAT passion...well NOW it is a NEW month....a new begining! But mostly I think it is because we are making memories. All we can do it try to make the best out of the hard times!

Example....I had a friend who was NOT into the idea of scaring people into following God....and I tild him that with the way he was acting he would MISS anything God was trying to teach him or others! Yes scaring people into following God is not the best idea, but as I was once told, "You need to ask what does God want me to LEARN from this? NOT why me?" Robert Rodgers. He found that he enjoyed himself better just asking himself that question! God has a plan for everything and when you least expect it, he will use a situation for YOUR benifit!

2nd example.....one I am not fully proud of! We went on a trip to Phily and we were SSSOO pumped that we were going to actually be doing missions work and not just saying we were and then relaly doing nothing. Don't get me wrong, my youth group was ACTIVILY involved in the community and we painted houses for people for free, raked yards, and just plain helped whenever we could, but we never felt like we were doing missions work until we were in Phily. We got there on Sunday and had a great day hanging with some AMAZINGLY smart kids. That Monday was the worst day possible! All the things we did just kept building up and the last part SNAPPED me!
We made bags of food for the homeless and we were to go to the subway and just talk to the homeless. Have a conversation and ask if they wanted what we had made. We each had two bags.....and Erin gave hers away to the same person (which we were told NOT to do) but she was just to soft hearted and honestly I would have done the same thing! So I gave her one of mine so that she could give another away. We met Anthony in the subway MALL (no kidding there was a mall in the subway! I was shocked). And Anthony told US about God's amazingness! We sat in awe at how much he truely TRUSTED God! And eventually we had to leave.....so we parted with him in our hearts forever! We meet John and one other that I can't rememeber the name of.....and they were sweet, but Nate was the person to kick me in the face so to speak!

I had my bag still left and it was my turn to give my bag away. It made me upset that I wasn't going to get to give my bag away because it was time to leave! But then I saw Nate and I really wanted to go see him, but he left in a hurry! So we looked for him and on our way out we found him. He was laying on a concret bench trying to get warm for the night! WAAAHHOOO I was so excied to get to talk to him....and as the converstaion started I was pumped and then it took a wrong turn and he told us he wanted to be in HELL! He wanted to be in HELL! That's all I could think of....why....why would ANYONE want to be in HELL??? I just couldn't fathum that kind of want! I couldn't! And so I had to walk away! And I cired for him......so much and prayed and cried! NO ONE, has ever made me cry for them...ever and all I could do was ask why and cry!

My attitude towards the rest of the week was wrong! I missed EVERYTHING God was trying to teach me! All because of that one day and how I just shut down! When I think back I see the things I missed! I rememeber the things I said and did! And I know I want to go back! I LOVED being there, I just didn't see it that way at first! I am going back someday and if I mary the right guy I am going to live there! I feel like that is where God MAY be calling me! But I am in the prayer process first!

All that to say, an attidute can change what you do with what God is trying to teach you!

Middle

I feel happy and sad at the same time!

On the one hand I am sooooo happy him because he is just plain excited and beyond happy! He seems to be enjoying the days God gave him so much more now! His smile when he talks is so much bigger.....and yet i am sad because I feel as though God closed a door I wanted to stay open for a while longer! It kind of hurt. And to find out from someone else was painful too.

On the other hand.....I am slightly ok with this because there are always other "fish in the sea" and I DO NOT need a guy to make me happy. I have the Lord and that should and does suffice! My smile is big because I have a great promise that even when darkness comes I will have light! And yet I can understand why he smiles bigger! I pray that his decission is the right one.

I am just going to focus on God this semester! I feel that is the right thing to do and I know its what God is telling me! He is all I need and I will sing to him forever....HOPEFULY I can get into the choir in heaven!

You are all I need when I'm surrounded,
You are all I need if I'm by myself,
You fill me when I'm empty,
There is nothing else,
You're all I need!

Everyday New

Everyday is a new day at Grace! And everyday I learn something new everyday. In growth groups we talked about the fact that our fears can guide us to having struggles! We found that these struggles come because of our lack of trust in the Lord.

I was able to trust the Lord enough that I am able to sleep in the dark now! I irrational fear of the dark has faded thanks to my love and trust in the Lord! I still fear being locked in a basement in total dark, but I am able to sleep minus a night light!

Then after growth groups we had a Psalm bible study and I learned that I need to trust the Lord with the things I WANT to handle but are out of my hands. I just need to give it to God and pray that he will take it and fix it! I have to be patience, of which I do NOT have!

Lately I feel like the Lord is telling me to just hang on and wait.....I am just not the type to wait, so I know I am going to have to wait because of that VERY fact! He is teaching me so much here. I feel that I am going to grow in him here! And I am thankful for the friends I have because they challenge me, verbally and just when they write...it makes me WANT to do the same thing! And so I do....I hope and pray that I get better at this understanding the bible! I am not bible smart, so I hope that I can get better at it!

I REALLY DO NOT LIKE CHUCK NORIS JOKES AT ALL!!!!

Not Informed

Looking through some of my stuff attempting to find HOW to even make a blog post let alone how to get to it, I found that I am "FOLLOWING MYSELF!" Ok so how does that happen, I am able to follow myself but I am updating. So does that mean that I know everytime I update something?

I blame this on the lack of a tutorial! I was never showed how to work this, just told that to comment on someone elses I needed this. SO I got it and found it to be fun! Then I read someone elses and I felt like I was intruding. Then Tiff told me that I needed to write about my times in college and this came to mind. So to all who are reading this, I promise it won't be boring cause I would have to be in the hospital with a dead brain for me to not be thinking CRAZY things! Well at least I dran well hope so! Back to the topic!

I was not told or showed how to use this. SO somehow I found a way to follow myself and it took me 5 to 10 mins to find how to make a new post, SO I SAVED the page that lets you make a new post to my favorites! NOW all I have to do is click in my favorites and click post! what now CONFUSOUS!! Blog has failed me...yet, I am able to find a way to do it! so I shall continue! just for fun and memories!

WARNING: I can not spell well, so if I make a mistake please comment so that I may fix it. All my posts will be just whatever I am thinking at the moment, so I am not reading over what I am writing I will just type and think!

Understanding the Girl inside VIA mbti

Our freshman class had to take the MBTI test which told us what our natural abilities were. Each paper we got back told us what four letter best described those natural abilities. Mine were ENFJ, meaning Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling, and Judging. Each letter means something different and has a lot of background to explain the letter and how it applies to us.

“E” for extrovert means interest in the people and things around a person. This basically means that I love to be around people and keep in touch. Along with that, it means that I draw my energy from people rather than books or alone time. This applies to me because I am truly an extrovert. I love hanging with my friends and just talking. When I see someone I know it gives me joy to yell out their names and wave my arm around crazily just so that they may come and join me for a bit. I have found that learning I am an extrovert before the test told me I was, I was looking for others and trying to see if they were extroverted or introverts. I found that I really like getting to know new people and I like being able to name them all off. As an extrovert I am really excited talking to strangers and big groups of people so when I realized I was an extrovert a lot of the things I did made more sense.

“N” for Intuition means interest in what can be imagined, seen with “the mind’s eye.” Basically saying that I like to look for the imaginative way of doing things and I like to see all the possibilities. Being an “N” means that we are creative people who enjoy planning and are especially excited by “possibilities for people.” The “N” gives us a more conceptual and global approach to life. We like to bring outer world into harmony with our intensely felt people-values. Knowing that I am an “N” helps me because I understand where my creative side is and how it affects some of the things I do. Once I learned that I was an “N” I, again, began looking for it in the things I do and I found that it is something that I do often yet it is so small that it’s hard to find. Yet, when I paid attention I found that when I am left with a choice I look for all the possibilities and imagine all of them, but it always turns out to be something I was unable to think of.

“F” for Feeling means interest in knowing what is important and valuable. Being a feeler can also mean that I am more attuned to the feelings of others. As a feeler I look for the right in all the wrong and I try to learn something of value form everything. During my daily life I find myself trying to find the important stuff in what I am reading and figuring if it is valuable enough for me to need to memorize. I find myself trying to stay positive and continue looking for what I can learn from most of the things that God shows me, which is hard a lot of times. Along with those I am usually good with knowing when someone is upset and am always trying to make someone who I know is upset smile.

“J” for Judging means interest in acting by organizing, planning, deciding. I truly know that this is a part of my daily life. I am really bad at time management, but I feel like I have to have some kind of plan for my day or I feel as though I will go insane. When some friends want to hang out I find that I do all the planning by asking the important questions like, where and when. There are certain spots in my room where they are alphabetical or staked from biggest to smallest in size. My closet is ordered by colors, light to dark. So keeping things organized is not hard for me. Time management is a flaw I need to fix soon. When my roommate and suitemate have to choose a place to sit, it is more likely that I pick because they tend to do whatever. I take lead when I should not do so, but I find it strange just waiting for someone to make a choice when I could do it in a few seconds. A problem with being a “J” is that we may become people who need control. I know personally I am working hard to let go of control of my life. I feel as though I should be able to control everyone and everything, but I can’t. I have made great progress in that area. There are downfalls to every one of the letters we are given, but we must take them and turn them into strengths.

All of these letters and their meanings are helpful tools to my plans for the future. Each one helps me to see another part of me that God created and I am able to see them. Once I am able to see them, I can use them to my advantage and work to make them stronger. These help my current goals of meeting new people well because I am able to plan them in, meet them, and hang out with them. They help my future goals because all the above are perfect for becoming a singer or basically anything else I may want to follow. God has a plan for this strange girl and I will follow these strengths to find where he wants me.

Stalker and learning

OK, so having a blog is a GREAT way to get what you are feeling into words and they are usually INSIRING words! That is a REALLY good thing, but I feel slightly invasive looking at other peoples blogs! Because I feel like I am reading into their thoughts and their heads and that is KINDA freaky.

I read a friends blog just a few mins ago and I was AW INSPIRED! I read one specific passage about how he was dating for personality, looks, and the love he had for that person and those relationships fell. He wrote about how he KNOWS the next relationship he is in wil be CENTERED around God! I just about freaked......how much he sounded like me. Only I hadn't come to that conclusion until I read what he wrote! I feel like one of my blind spots just left and I can see so well in that area! I should have KNOWN that! I should have known and I didn't. But I learned from what he wrote! I learned alot....I would have NEVER guessed that he had gone through the same things that I have. Relationships getting physical TOO fast, the relationship NOT focused on God, and the feelings behind the choices he made! Obviosuly I don't know EXCATLY what he went through, but from what he wrote, he has been through some of the same and HE learned from it! AND so can I!

But then again, I sort of feel stalkerish because I read that and it was not mine! It's a two way road here and I am walking on both sides! I wonder how long I can keep this up? On the plus side, I am a HUGE art fan....and I LOVE pictures of people!! AND his picture was AMAZING! It was the perfect combo of lighting, color, and positioning! And that is a part of why I feel stalkerish! Because I am looking at peoples pictures and thinking about the lighting, color, and positioning! WEIRD I AM.....CRAZY I AM....stalker.....I hope I am NOT!

Two posts in one day, whatever will I do!

Disappointment and Making Others Happy

Have you ever found yourself saying its ok when really its not. And you are thinking that you are so disappointed in the fact that they are not coming but you don't want them to know. So you say its alright and you are sad for the rest of the day! A song comes to mind when I think of this....

When its not alright,
When its not ok,
Will you try to make me seel better?
Will you alright,
Will you say OK,
Will you stick with me through whatever?

Some people may take this song as one that talks about a guy! One that asks if this guy will be there! For me I imagine two things, my friends and God!
Are my friends going to do this? I only hope so!
Is God going to do this? I believe with all my heart yes!

Today!!! (october 14, 2009)

This is to start something new! But mostly cause I am unable to comment on a friends blog without making this first! Tehe...its how I do!