This is Real This is me

This is real,
This me,
I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be,
Gonna let the light shine on me,
Now I found who I am,
Theres no way to hold it in,
No more hiding who I wanna be!
This is me! -Camp Rock

I have a friend who is searching hard to find herslef. She feels lost, like she can't find who she is anymore and she feels as though she doesn't know where to go. I was thinking and praying about her and I just started thinking. It would suck to not know who you are. To go to college to "find yourself" instead of going to become more of you. I believe you do find a part of you in college because you are on your own and have to find that peice that can live alone but I am sadened by her lostness. I want to help her find herself....and then I started thinking...do I know myself.

And that conclusion was simple. YES! I am not like her, I know who I am. I may not know where the Lord is taking me, but I do know who I am. I am Ayla Lisza Jane Besinger! The crazy, goofy, drops everything, forgets things, says the wrong things, loves to make you smile, girl that most people get the chance to know. I have faith in the person God made me and I am not questioning the gifts he gave me, I am just using them to better what I can. He gave me who I am and I know who I am because of him. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I am fully aware of how to handle my weaknesses so that they are not in my way. I only wish she could see the person I see in front of me. She is a beautiful girl with so much passion and kindness, but she doesn't trust fully in herself. And I fear she may not trust God as well! One day God will show her, her beauty and she will finally see the person I have seen all these years.

Today is the First

SO today is Novemeber 1st! Exciting isn't it! It's the first of the month and the first of another time of firsts! Examples.....the first time I fell down the stairs from third floor in Alpha in Novemeber! YAY and maybe the first time I said "HI" to every person I know who goes through or lives in Alpha by YELLING "HEY......." and saying their name!

I believe that God gave us firsts so that we can make memories! Possible so that we can start over! Maybe last month was hard and you just HATED it with a GREAT passion...well NOW it is a NEW month....a new begining! But mostly I think it is because we are making memories. All we can do it try to make the best out of the hard times!

Example....I had a friend who was NOT into the idea of scaring people into following God....and I tild him that with the way he was acting he would MISS anything God was trying to teach him or others! Yes scaring people into following God is not the best idea, but as I was once told, "You need to ask what does God want me to LEARN from this? NOT why me?" Robert Rodgers. He found that he enjoyed himself better just asking himself that question! God has a plan for everything and when you least expect it, he will use a situation for YOUR benifit!

2nd example.....one I am not fully proud of! We went on a trip to Phily and we were SSSOO pumped that we were going to actually be doing missions work and not just saying we were and then relaly doing nothing. Don't get me wrong, my youth group was ACTIVILY involved in the community and we painted houses for people for free, raked yards, and just plain helped whenever we could, but we never felt like we were doing missions work until we were in Phily. We got there on Sunday and had a great day hanging with some AMAZINGLY smart kids. That Monday was the worst day possible! All the things we did just kept building up and the last part SNAPPED me!
We made bags of food for the homeless and we were to go to the subway and just talk to the homeless. Have a conversation and ask if they wanted what we had made. We each had two bags.....and Erin gave hers away to the same person (which we were told NOT to do) but she was just to soft hearted and honestly I would have done the same thing! So I gave her one of mine so that she could give another away. We met Anthony in the subway MALL (no kidding there was a mall in the subway! I was shocked). And Anthony told US about God's amazingness! We sat in awe at how much he truely TRUSTED God! And eventually we had to leave.....so we parted with him in our hearts forever! We meet John and one other that I can't rememeber the name of.....and they were sweet, but Nate was the person to kick me in the face so to speak!

I had my bag still left and it was my turn to give my bag away. It made me upset that I wasn't going to get to give my bag away because it was time to leave! But then I saw Nate and I really wanted to go see him, but he left in a hurry! So we looked for him and on our way out we found him. He was laying on a concret bench trying to get warm for the night! WAAAHHOOO I was so excied to get to talk to him....and as the converstaion started I was pumped and then it took a wrong turn and he told us he wanted to be in HELL! He wanted to be in HELL! That's all I could think of....why....why would ANYONE want to be in HELL??? I just couldn't fathum that kind of want! I couldn't! And so I had to walk away! And I cired for him......so much and prayed and cried! NO ONE, has ever made me cry for them...ever and all I could do was ask why and cry!

My attitude towards the rest of the week was wrong! I missed EVERYTHING God was trying to teach me! All because of that one day and how I just shut down! When I think back I see the things I missed! I rememeber the things I said and did! And I know I want to go back! I LOVED being there, I just didn't see it that way at first! I am going back someday and if I mary the right guy I am going to live there! I feel like that is where God MAY be calling me! But I am in the prayer process first!

All that to say, an attidute can change what you do with what God is trying to teach you!