A New Anger?

So I am finding that today brought ALL new (and the days not even over yet) problems. Run down...we start the day with an arguement that ends in something being said that hurt me extremely! Then we move to me talking to my dad about summer plans...then we continue on to my Love not showing up for our skype date.

Here are my thoughts.....

First, I feel like he doesn't care! He thinks that saying "I'm sorry" will fix anything. If its empty words then it honestly doesn't!

His excuse for being late was.."I was hungry." My thoughts were.."Fantastic thanks for showing you love me so much by NOT working on telling me ahead of time and by LEAVING ME ALONE IN A TIME I NEED YOU!"

The thing is, he has this notion that he is always right. And if he just appologizes it will go away...nope it doesn't. Not with girls like me...sucks right.

Most importantly, he asks me to change and I do it. It's not a thing were I take my sweet time. I do it so he knows and KNOWS BY SEEING (my proof) that I care and am willing to work on this relationship. He tells me I have to work on this to make our relationship work and then he isn't willing to do it his self. NOT FAIR!

I take his values into account, I work on things the MOMENT he tells me too! I do these things. And he does nothing...he works on it a little bit but in all honestly (someone has to be honest with him might as well be me) he says he will and when the opportunity arises for him to show me...he fails. Big giant F every time. I'm not even kidding. We argue about the same things...EVERY ARGUEMENT and he says the same thing "I will work on it." Then he does the same thing.

What he did to me today after what he said to me this morning...it was bad. What he said stepped on the line, what he did today, that crossed it. My upsetness went from that to full out rage. He has no idea what it means to see me angry but I have a feeling I'm not gonna want to be nice for a while. I don't know what to do. I was ready to forgive him when he was suppose to call and he didn't. I needed him and he didn't.

Worst of all, he still doesn't think he was wrong. He deserves to eat, but why agree to talk to me then if he wanted to eat. It makes me mad that he just keeps hurting me and then appologizing but not working on things. And I mean it when I say, this is the LAST chance. I'm tired of him treating me like that. I'm done. He makes the play now. I have my decision is made. He either shows he is going to work on this and does something special to prove it or he doesn't and I do the one thing that will leave me in a month of depression which is to break up with him. I won't keep putting myself through this pain and I won't keep being played with. I did this with all the other boyfriends before. If they treated me wrong or had no life plan..they were gone. I have tolerated my Love treating me like this for too long because I love him (unlike the others) and I don't want to lose him. But I will leave if I keep being treated like this. I can't and WON'T do it anymore. I change for him...and quickly cause he says he can't deal with it..then he needs to do the same. Give me the same respect.

Here is what I am thinking is happening. I'm focused on making our relationship work and not fully focused on God..and now God is taking away that problem. Anything standing in the way of God and I getting closer will be taken. And I am working harder than my Love at this and that is my problem. I am working while he is just letting me work on it and I'm not focused on God at all. My Love tried to help me focus on God but then said I had to work on more things and now I'm back to not focusing on God. So much for being the spiritual leader.

I know he is going to be a GREAT husband, AMAZING daddy, FANTASTIC youth pastor, and will be a wonderful man someday. I have faith he can do all of these. I know he is capable, he just needs to get over his commitment issues. He will be great and I want so badly to be the wife by his side...but I won't be if this keeps up.

This is the final straw. I have not felt this anger for anyone in a long time. So he has to do something this week. Something big and meaningful plus show signs of working on our relationship. If not, well depression here I come. But my prayer is that I get to be with this man for all my life as his girlfriend, fiancé, wife, and mother of his children. Right now...that is looking like it won't ever happen. But I'm praying it will!

The Wrong Impression

First I have to get this out of the way...STUPID BOY LEARN YOUR PLACE!!!! Ur just his friend...and I'm glad ur good enough to protect him!!! DANG IT! Why is it ok that u make me feel bad?

I was really hurt by my Love. And it was hard for me to try to forgive him in a day. So I figured that when we talked today then I would before we said goodbye before talking tonight I would surprise him by saying I forgive you. But instead of thinking of me, he was HUNGRY! I'm so upset...because I keep getting forgotten because of food! It makes me upset because we had just fought about the fact that we always talk at certain times and we went over the times we talk! Then we had an arguement and he said something that really crossed a line. He keep saying he was sorry but never said he would make it up. Till he missed our date. I feel like he could careless about me. Im getting tired of fighting for a relationship that Im the only one fighting for! This is getting to be too much! Im tired of fighting HIM for HIM! This isn't fair!

Im tired. This has gone way too far! He is giving the wrong impression if he actually wants to be in this relationship!

F F F F

I hate this day! I hate HATE HATE ALL OF THIS! WHY WHY WHY WHY!! ITS NOT OK!!! ITS NOT! I HATE THIS! I HATE IT! Why would anyone say that to anyone else! WHY?? HOW IS THAT OK!!! ITS NOT! ITS NOT! This is the worst day of my life! And there are more to come!

What To Do Now?

I have this problem...mmk...so I wanna go to ___ for the summer to work in both the deaf and Hispanic area's learning about the cultures and immersing myself in those cultures but my father is a problem. Because of some issues with my Love and decisions we made together my father is not that huge a fan of my Love. So in this case I am at a lose. I'm in college and I should be breaking away from my father...but at the same time..we just got to know each other in these last few years and I don't want to destroy that relationship.

He (being my daddy) also has this crazy idea that I spend all my time with my Love and NOT my dad...but if you think about it, last semester I spent every (ish) weekend with my Love...thats 2 days...4 weeks in a month...that 8 days a month...ive spent a total of close to 3 weeks and 3 days with my Love last semester but I spent every break at home..Fall break (4 days), thanksgiving break (1 week), and Christmas break (3 weeks). So my dad STILL wins and he is still acting like this...kinda not fair.

So here are some things I was thinking of..

1. Tell my dad I'm going anyway and he can kick me out, but ill deal

2. May and June in ___ and go home for july and august (this means I wouldnt have a job most likely)

3. Go to ____ for two weeks and then come back

4. Just stay home (not much of an option in my eyes)

I am leaning towards the first...but I just don't know how to handle it and all the people I normally talk to agree with the first...except my Love. IDK what he thinks...but I guess I'll find out after he reads this if he even says anything!

What to do now??? Decisions Decisions..

Sad Now

My amazing Love read my last blog and when asked what his thoughts were he said, "I'm glad you have a good day!" I was hoping to talk about it or something...see if we couldn't actually agree on something...but again...it's thinking about the future and thats not what he likes to do! It makes me very sad that I have little to look forward too because he doesn't wanna talk about anything. And since we have made plans just a little..meaning he told me what we are doing...he prob won't cause it would mean that he would be stuck. And he doesn't like to be stuck! So marriage would be put off! But unless there was a good reason for him putting it off...and it better not be that he didn't have the money to buy a ring because he can buy pokemon games and all that but not a ring...then I am not sure I would stay. Why keep going if he would be too scared to want to be with me. It's a trap run!

Me I want to be married right now to him. Be his wife...start a family. Be happy, but that's not what he wants so we don't do it. NO v-day celebration involving V-day things, no promise ring, no no no...if its not what he wants then why do it?

I love him and I will someday be use to this...but for now..well Im gonna go cry!! I hate not knowing the future! Guess I'll get over it though...cause I'm the only one who wants to know...so NO me..NO!

Sad now.....

Not Sure About This

So well today..yea...it was today! I had a few hard talks with two friends and a good talk with my Love. He even sent me a picture yesterday that I made as my background to my phone and I kept looking at it all day! It made my heart skip a beat every time I looked at it! I'm trying hard to be a good girlfriend and just let him be him at college but sometimes I just want to steal him away for a weekend and keep in forever! Maybe go somewhere rent a hotel and just lay there with him! Thats it...I would honestly be content just laying there! I mean I wanna just be with him! But I can't! He likes his new freedom! So I have to live with it and PRAY the world doesn't end in 2012...i want to get married to my Love and start our marriage have kids and watch them grow! That would make me so very happy! And that is what I pray for.

Some times I just want my Love and I to just run away and get married right now! Start our life together like all the other couples are and make a family before 2012 because what if it did end? Then I would have only had this time to just be with him at a distance! We could commute every day like a friend of mine does. We could live in Warsaw in an apartment and I could commute everyday. That would make me so happy! To have a "ring by spring" like college couples do and get married over the summer in Florida in HIS church and have an apartment together. But nope...so if we can't get married sooner (within the next year) then I wanna get married on the beach in Warsaw. Compromise!! hehe...

But oo well....gotta be smart right. But I say waiting to give me a ring until our anniversary and us getting married the summer after our 2yr anniversary would be awesome! and it would mean that we would be married in his church. Spend part of the summer in Florida after our marriage and then part here getting ready for college. That sounds nice to me...but we are being smart...waiting till after...smart...but so long....I hate waiting...but it has to be on his time...and around our plan....so it makes sense..I just like mine too!

I love my Love and am so very glad he is in my life and I hope he feels the same about me...if he didn't we would have issues..lol =) Ok day all in all!

You Just Called Me What?

I AM NOT MY MOM! I AM NOT MY MOM! I AM NOT MY MOM!!!

She is a great person who made mistakes in her life. Ones that added to her not being that great a mother...JUST SO YOU KNOW...she is trying to make up for that now. But in the past she didn't and that is where I take the ANGER from!

By saying I am my mom, you are disrespecting me! When my mom was my age she made alot ofmistakes that caused her to have me and my brother. She was NOT ready to have children and she honestly never grew up till recently! My mom was still a teenager at heart doing things for herself and for her! She did what she had to to keep us feed but she always acted like a teenager! Part of the reason I really dislike adults who act like teens...its just not smart! And I take FULL offense to someone saying I am my mom.

When my mom was my age she had two kids and was married to someone she fought with more than loved. She dropped out of high school and did not go to college! Understand me right now when I say, I am not her at this age! I do NOT have kids, I am not married (although that I wouldn't mind if it was with my Love), and I am trying hard to grow up so when I do have kids I will make sure they have a happy home life with happy parents and a good home in one place (perferably, this also depends on where God sends us!) My mom did her best to keep us to a standard living but she ALWAYS cared for the guy more than her own kids, WHOM SHE BIRTHED!!! She always put him first and then herself! I often wondered if she had to chose between us and her life...which would she chose? I never answered the question...I could never grasp which end she stood on! When I have kids, I want the best for them. I want to have a home in one place, a husband I LOVE and will show I love everyday, NOT everything they want but within reason things that will make them happy but healthy happy not spoiled (no spoiled kids for me!) and I want to be a mother who puts them first then her husband. God comes first, then kids, then husband. I know my husband will need to be switched a few times but for the most part, if my Love and I get married then we both agree the kids come first. I will do my absolute hardest to GRADUATE from COLLEGE and get a job that will allow my family to be happy and healthy!

FURTHERMORE....I have a HUGE problem with disrespectfulness and I have TWO examples of those today!

ONE! A friend came into my room and gave a book I let her borrow back. I asked her if she would like to go to the mall with us and she hesitated...she asked if her roomie was going and when I said yes, she quickly agreed to go with us. Well apparently she decided NOT to come and did NOT mention that to me! AT ALL! So I was under the impression she was coming...till I read her facebook status! THAT MADE ME ANGRY!

TWO! I was teasing my roomie at the mall about the fact that she "spit/the wind took her spit" on my Love's white jacket and she had the nerve to say I was acting like an IDIOT! BIG MISTAKE!!! MAJORLY! Now I call myself stupid and dumb and even an idiot sometimes...but thats me! Its ok....someone else getting angry at me and calling me an idiot...yep that is NOT ok! So I will not be chatting with her for a while! There is NO REASON TO EVER CALL SOMEONE SOMETHING LIKE THAT....NO MATTER HOW UPSET YOU ARE!

And to top everything off, I wanted so badly to wear some of the clothes at the mall but im too fat and my boobs are too big that I just looked STUPID in them! So my day, needless-to-say, was actually pretty sucky when you add in the fact that instead of me getting a valentines day flower or gift my amazing boyfriend tries to encourage his CLOSEST friend by sending HIM a rose! Jealous...yes! Sure it was cheaper than buying me flowers or anything but really, I keep getting pushed aside for HIM! Really! Now I feel NOT important and kind of PISSED! That was my day friends! Crappy RIGHT?