A New Anger?

So I am finding that today brought ALL new (and the days not even over yet) problems. Run down...we start the day with an arguement that ends in something being said that hurt me extremely! Then we move to me talking to my dad about summer plans...then we continue on to my Love not showing up for our skype date.

Here are my thoughts.....

First, I feel like he doesn't care! He thinks that saying "I'm sorry" will fix anything. If its empty words then it honestly doesn't!

His excuse for being late was.."I was hungry." My thoughts were.."Fantastic thanks for showing you love me so much by NOT working on telling me ahead of time and by LEAVING ME ALONE IN A TIME I NEED YOU!"

The thing is, he has this notion that he is always right. And if he just appologizes it will go away...nope it doesn't. Not with girls like me...sucks right.

Most importantly, he asks me to change and I do it. It's not a thing were I take my sweet time. I do it so he knows and KNOWS BY SEEING (my proof) that I care and am willing to work on this relationship. He tells me I have to work on this to make our relationship work and then he isn't willing to do it his self. NOT FAIR!

I take his values into account, I work on things the MOMENT he tells me too! I do these things. And he does nothing...he works on it a little bit but in all honestly (someone has to be honest with him might as well be me) he says he will and when the opportunity arises for him to show me...he fails. Big giant F every time. I'm not even kidding. We argue about the same things...EVERY ARGUEMENT and he says the same thing "I will work on it." Then he does the same thing.

What he did to me today after what he said to me this morning...it was bad. What he said stepped on the line, what he did today, that crossed it. My upsetness went from that to full out rage. He has no idea what it means to see me angry but I have a feeling I'm not gonna want to be nice for a while. I don't know what to do. I was ready to forgive him when he was suppose to call and he didn't. I needed him and he didn't.

Worst of all, he still doesn't think he was wrong. He deserves to eat, but why agree to talk to me then if he wanted to eat. It makes me mad that he just keeps hurting me and then appologizing but not working on things. And I mean it when I say, this is the LAST chance. I'm tired of him treating me like that. I'm done. He makes the play now. I have my decision is made. He either shows he is going to work on this and does something special to prove it or he doesn't and I do the one thing that will leave me in a month of depression which is to break up with him. I won't keep putting myself through this pain and I won't keep being played with. I did this with all the other boyfriends before. If they treated me wrong or had no life plan..they were gone. I have tolerated my Love treating me like this for too long because I love him (unlike the others) and I don't want to lose him. But I will leave if I keep being treated like this. I can't and WON'T do it anymore. I change for him...and quickly cause he says he can't deal with it..then he needs to do the same. Give me the same respect.

Here is what I am thinking is happening. I'm focused on making our relationship work and not fully focused on God..and now God is taking away that problem. Anything standing in the way of God and I getting closer will be taken. And I am working harder than my Love at this and that is my problem. I am working while he is just letting me work on it and I'm not focused on God at all. My Love tried to help me focus on God but then said I had to work on more things and now I'm back to not focusing on God. So much for being the spiritual leader.

I know he is going to be a GREAT husband, AMAZING daddy, FANTASTIC youth pastor, and will be a wonderful man someday. I have faith he can do all of these. I know he is capable, he just needs to get over his commitment issues. He will be great and I want so badly to be the wife by his side...but I won't be if this keeps up.

This is the final straw. I have not felt this anger for anyone in a long time. So he has to do something this week. Something big and meaningful plus show signs of working on our relationship. If not, well depression here I come. But my prayer is that I get to be with this man for all my life as his girlfriend, fiancé, wife, and mother of his children. Right now...that is looking like it won't ever happen. But I'm praying it will!