So yesterday night I was at a pretty low mood! I mean I really hated the fact that I was going to be spending the weekend before and the day of Valentines Day by myself without my amazing boyfriend! SUCK!
So I sort of knew he was planning something (im nosy) and I thought that i was probably him asking my roomie to buy me flowers on that day and hand them to me in the place of him not being here...cause I broke his STINKING car..cause I was STUPID!
Well he always asks why I am sad so I told him..its cause I wanted him here! And eventually he just told me he was planning on surprising me and coming up to see the musical Rodger and Hammerstine's Cinderella and spend that night plus a small part of the next day with me.
THAT MADE ME PUMPED!
Then he said...but I can't take you out to eat somewhere romantic like we did last year...it will prob be lunch time and we'll go to Mcy D's. I was like...you know what I don't care...I am happy that you are even coming...THEN he told me that he didn't save any of the money he said he was going to use to buy my promise ring with. He used it all for food...
(Side bar...I keep getting ignored, forgotten, and less important to FOOD...kinda sucks)
That made me a bit sad...I would have been fine if it had been for something useful...rather than he strange need to eat at every hour of the day...its only going to add to his healthy-but-becoming-VERY-unhealthy-body! What is worse is that I keep losing out the FOOD! The food channel stops him from texting me and he forgets to skype me because he went to eat with his friends...but it REALLY disappointed me that he couldn't put his selfishness aside for just a few seconds and save that little bit of money! I mean...I lost out to FOOD, but most importantly, I lost out to him...again!
That is what made me sad...if he had been buying food for his friends with that money...or helping someone out with it...or buying books or gifts for someone..I really wouldn't have been so upset...but..he didn't. That's why I'm sad..it's something that is of importance to me...it may be small and meaningless to HIM but to me...it's safety. It's physical proof he loves me enough to show me and get me a solid object for me to look at when I'm in doubt.
I mean...I'm not a mean person on a normal basis...and I am being honest when I say that I wouldn't have a problem if he had spent the money one others..but it hurts that he put himself above me again.
It's very hard for me to believe his words anymore...because he says.."I'll work on it!" and doesn't...well maybe for like a day or two..but I ALWAYS lose out to HIS SELF! I mean, I'm selfish but he is showing a side that I have ALWAYS HATED in other. People who only care for themselves. Then you top it off with the fact that he say I should believe in his words...but I have no proof. I really shouldn't ever believe him! EVER! But I do..and I usually regret it. I don't know what I can do to help him..but he DEFF. doesn't love me enough to change...because he isn't. Not now...and prob not ever...and not seeing a change..that will make ME LEAVE. But I love him...so I KEEP GIVING HIM MY FAITH and he keeps killing it...and I give it again...and he kills it again. Love makes us do crazy things..but how long should I hold on to someone who doesn't really want to be with me...not in the healthy way. He just wants to be with a girl who will be somewhat physical and be selfish! and that don't fly with ME!
In the end I just have to tell myself MAYBE one day he WILL change. We will see when I get tired of it...it's already starting...me being tired of his selfishness...but you know what...there are times when I love him..and I just laugh at him and his selfishness cause I should have seen it coming.
Anyways...I'm staying positive....I just needed to get this out...I get to see him..even if its not even for a WHOLE 24 hours..I get to see him for like 8hrs at most...but thats more than I was gonna get...and as much as I hate that I keep losing out to FOOD and HIM...he still tries every once in a blue moon...and those are nice!
I STILL LOVE HIM THOUGH!
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