So, my V-day kind of sucked. I really needed to feel important from my Love and instead it was like another day for him. He tired for an hour then he got hunger (saw that coming)! They say you are suppose to up you last V-day and this kind of downed it...but we spent the weekend together.
Anyways, this is about a friend of mine and her boyfriend. My V-day may have sucked but for my friend, her's was the best in the world. They were only dating for a short time but the were serious about their plans for the future and he proposed to her on V-day. It was an awesome proposal (she made a note of how it happened on facebook)! I'm so happy for her.
They talked things out, they made sure they wanted to be together and they plan on being married this summer. That made me do some thinking...they just knew. Her words, "When you know, you know."
Do I know? Yes I do, I want to spend the rest of my life with my Love, so far =) but does he KNOW? He told me yes...and we have this WHOLE plan of getting married after HIS graduation and spending the first year of marriage apart so I can finish school and he can find a house. But he doesn't like thinking of the future. He doesn't want to have that to think about and it makes me wonder if his plans are so easily swade then will he sway on me? I do think so but its a fear.
I love him and I would be crushed if he did..but I feel like I'm the only one caring about the future. But he says he needs to focus on the present (but he always wants to think of the present) for his classes. Problem with him thinking of the present is that I am forgotten. And he tried to say he doesn't forget me but he can be thinking of me in the back of his head and still forgetting me.
I don't know. Honestly, I think I would have had a great V-day if I had gotten the promise ring I wanted. I don't need it but it has special value to me, a value that is not reflected in my Love's values. It's hard being so different yet so alike. Sadly we are both lazy people who don't want to do anything, except I have a plan to do something. I don't do the plan, but I have it in case I want to do the plan. I know if he had done this one thing from me I would have been the most content person in the WHOLE world. I would not be pushing for our future to start now or anything. I would have walked around all day like I had been purposed to.
But that was not the case, obviously. And honestly, a promise ring holds value to me because I've seen REAL people's (old peoples) marriages last so long and those women had promise rings first. But when I look at all the broken marriages/relationships that surround my life and see those old women's life story they told me, its a new vision. Ever since I was little I have always had a desire for that ring. Because the marriages I saw were either 1. promise ring and happy (still bumpy) marriage or 2. no promise ring and broken families in different states. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and dad, I wouldn't trade them for anyone in the world, but they are the greatest examples of how a marriage in Christ should be handled. To me, since I was a little girl, that promise ring is like magic. A wondrous round object so fine and delicate, simple and percise (doesn't really cost that much) that holds the magic power to keep moms and dads together till death. But of course I have my moms genes and emotional side. So over time I picked up on her "neediness for men to just stay" and so the ring also had a second meaning. It meant that it was also tangible evidence that is a LITTLE harder to break. Something I could hold onto and look at in times of doubt...it became more of a trap. (Example being if I got a ring I would feel like the guy was trapped but I wouldn't be pregnant. The ring would have trapped him.) Problem with that example is if my Love feels trapped he runs away. He doesn't really like to be COMMITTED to things. If he has to be somewhere he won't be. If he is told he has to write a paper the prof. is luck he even gets it in on time. Me, if I trapped him I would lose him. But he has given me ABSOLUTELY very little to go off of, I am terrified I have no future. I'm so scared to BELIEVE his words and then later be left.
So when my friends got engaged, I don't know, I asked myself why can't we do that? Why can't I have some kind of proof he isn't going to leave? Why can't I have something like a ring? He always tells me DON'T COMPARE ME TO OTHER PEOPLE, but why can't I ask these questions? Im not comparing, them getting engaged just made me think.
I love mi Amor and I want to spend my life with him and only him....does he feel the same way about me? He says he does but over these past few weeks he hasn't shown anything. Just his words which make sense (COMPLETE SENSE) but then his actions don't follow. So he VALUES words and I value ACTIONS. Another value he doesn't take into account. I will stop believing his words if he can't take my values on actions?
Does he feel what I feel? What do you think?
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